You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
