Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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