Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
