Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Girls should come with a carfax report
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
