I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
