Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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