Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
