I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
