Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
