dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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