mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
