did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
