Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
whose parrot is this?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
