so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
