I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to make a zoo with you.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
