as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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