I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
