Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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