Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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