nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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