I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
