you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
