Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
