bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
