don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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