Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
