Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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