I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
