Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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