i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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