Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
