The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dear god my vagina.
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