some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
