is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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