I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
