Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
