after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
