Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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