i think i have two assholes
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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