The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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