The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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