I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
