just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
