Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
