I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
