my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
