paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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