Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
