im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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