I hate all girls vehemently.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
