but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
